Reminiscing:

I realized that, well, in less than a month SILENCE will officially be two years old.

Looking back is a good thing. I do it a lot actually. There are days where I need something to laugh at. Cry at. Grin about because I know just how much I’ve grown. I love looking back at the words I wrote but hate it at the same time. It’s like looking back on all of your embarrassing school photos that you’ve begged your mom to stuff in a drawer, or better yet: burn.

I love it because there is so much growth from my first manuscripts to what I’m able to work with now. I don’t have to focus on the same things that I had to pay extreme attention to back when I started writing in 2008. I think it was around this time of year too, because I’d just finished reading the first Twilight book.

And I’ll admit it. Twilight is originally the reason I started writing. As an eighth grader. As a thirteen-year-old, I thought, if this can get published, then I can get published. I know there have been about a million conversations about Twilight and the writing and the plot, so I’m not going to open old wounds for Ms. Stephenie Meyer. But, yeah, in short, as I thirteen-year-old I know I could write something better.

That’s when I started the first draft of my first manuscript. That book will most likely never see the light of day again–at least with the same/similar plot line. But it’s weird to think that I’ve been writing for four years, finished a total of six manuscripts–two of which are rewrites, and… yeah. I mean, I know it’s not true, but I feel old. I’ve been at this for a while now.

And that thought is weird. Because I’m still not sure what the hell I’m doing half the time.

I’m still new. But not-so-new that others can tell that I don’t have a clue what I’m doing anymore. At first, that much was obvious. I got so many critiques and learned so many valuable grammar lessons from the writers on Inkpop that I can’t begin to thank them enough (Sharon M. Johnston, Carrie McRae, Gwen, Kristia, Autumn, Kat, and everyone else–thanks. :D).

But now…. Now I just feel like I’m stuck somewhere in between. I don’t have a published book. I don’t make millions of dollars, or even thousands of dollars, a year. I don’t go to book signings. I don’t have that thrill of others understanding, respecting, what I do–especially at college. But at the same time, I’m not making beginner mistakes. It’s strange. I’m not sure if I enjoy it, like floating in Limbo. But it’s where I’m at.

And I’m not sure really where I’ll go from here. Sure, I’m querying my newest manuscripts. Sure, I’m still trying to get published somehow. But even then it feels like a longshot. There are points where I sit and wonder whether or not it’s worth it. Whether or not I should keep pursuing the industry when the material in the industry can be full of plot holes and so many inconsistencies that I put the book down by the third chapter. Or there are books where you read the back and already know the end. It seems we’re down to only two types of plots: the kind full of holes where the reader is left feeling lost and confused, or the kind that are predictable. So predictable that it gets to the point where I look at a book about mermaids, or werewolves and go, “I’ve read this before,” go down the line and see the same plot four more times in a row.

Honestly, it makes me want to quit. Because if this is the only things we’re publishing in the young adult market at the moment, I’m not sure I want to be a part of it.

Don’t get me wrong, there are good books out there, excellent books. But they’re few and far between.

In short, I realize that I’ve grown. So much. I’ve developed as a writer and I couldn’t be more grateful for all the people I have met along the way. But at the same time, I’m not sure if I grew in the right way for the business. The growth is perfect for me, but for publishers… not so much based on what’s available.